EAT, DRINK & DO MARY

I love porn. Possibly more than Kanye West. I climbed straight...

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 12:48:00 -0400

I love porn. Possibly more than Kanye West. I climbed straight up the rope in gym class and directly into the scrambled, yellowgreen, Max Headroom-esque transmissions of the late night nudie flicks. I couldn’t get enough of getting off, but i needed more. Unscrambled, glorious, glossy pages full of nubile vixens being plowed by cocks 10 times the size of my mushroom cap were out there (or up there, as it turns out) to be found, and so i embarked on a shameful mission of discovery, passed down from god herself, and delivered straight into my grey track pants.

The ‘mother load’, as it turns out, was stashed on my dad’s top closet shelf, tucked conspicuously underneath his vast collection of Cosby sweaters. Once home alone, i grabbed my mom’s footstool from the sewing room and climbed up to investigate the treasures waiting above. What i found was beyond immediate comprehension. Two skin mags (Club, and another that inexplicably escapes me) were tucked inside a third, massive, full colour, all photos no filler, thick as a brick and glossy as fuck pornographic masterpiece. Fantastical waves of flesh and bush washed over my crotch and spilled out shockingly fast onto my parents’ bedspread, as the likes of Nina Hartley and Vanessa Del Rio stimulated and mocked me at the same time. I’m not sure if i was more horrified by the fact that the spread wasn’t machine washable, or that the stash had been mysteriously removed the next time i sought out such pleasures.

Submitted to Nerve.com - Formative Porn Experiences

"To create anything… is to believe, if only momentarily, you are capable of magic. These essays..."

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 17:29:54 -0400

“To create anything… is to believe, if only momentarily, you are capable of magic. These...

Goddamn Mitch is jamming with these cats? I knew he was stepping...

Tue, 15 May 2012 21:01:00 -0400

Goddamn Mitch is jamming with these cats? I knew he was stepping out on Thursday nights, but he said it was just to get his helmet polished. Wait, maybe he meant…. there is a sexy brunette swaying around side stage…. fucking Mitch! That sly dog. Far, far out. That droid could stand to loosen up a bit on the upright though. Wonder what he’s got jammed up his ass? Wookie’s got a nice swing going on the ivories. Sounds like that kid on the drums is doing a bit of beatboxing too. Cool little Pharrell/Herbie Hancock thing happening there. I dig. Man, these martinis are just sliding down the ol’ respirator! Better cool it for a bit, or i’ll have to rustle up old man Tarkin for a flight home. Can i get some fucking peanuts around here? Boba H. Fett. I wonder if i can force Mitch to fuck up from here…. see what i’ve got left in the tank…. damn, he’s staying on point! What a trooper.

"Suicide carried off many. Drink and the devil took care of the rest."

Tue, 08 May 2012 20:56:51 -0400

““Suicide carried off many. Drink and the devil took care of the rest.”” - Robert Louis...

Weekend at Osama’s.

Sat, 28 Apr 2012 18:19:52 -0400

Weekend at Osama’s.

"You can tell what kind of night it was by how many wine glasses are in the sink."

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 18:06:50 -0400

““You can tell what kind of night it was by how many wine glasses are in the...

"But i know we can’t all stay here forever, so i want to write my words on the face of..."

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 15:52:42 -0400

““But i know we can’t all stay here forever, so i want to write my words on the...

"If it doesn’t come from your heart, music just doesn’t work."

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 17:51:50 -0400

““If it doesn’t come from your heart, music just doesn’t work.”” - Levon Helm

"Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read."

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 13:30:00 -0400

““Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to...

Drinking With Bowie

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 13:02:00 -0400

We were drinking absinthe Red Bulls, as i expected. Dave (he asked me to call him that) and i had...

Mrs. Coupland

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 14:19:00 -0400

Oh what fresh hell is this? It’s about as fresh as an evening-old fart trapped under cover,...

"It was true that I didn’t have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people without..."

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 00:33:54 -0400

““It was true that I didn’t have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people...

"Like the kling-klang king of the rim-ram room."

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 18:36:24 -0400

““Like the kling-klang king of the rim-ram room.”” - Ben Sanderson, Leaving...

Faye Reagan

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 18:07:00 -0400

Riley looks up at me from between my legs, her hair pulled back like a sexy Samurai, the tip of my...

"It’s possible to love a human being if you don’t know them too well."

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 16:40:00 -0400

““It’s possible to love a human being if you don’t know them too...

Willie Nelson

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 17:55:00 -0400

I’m not there. Rarely am. Persona non grata, as my parents used to say. I’ve been to exactly...

"There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is..."

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 17:47:00 -0500

““There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich...

Sex Card

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 17:38:00 -0500

She was always just kinda there - a friend of friends, hanging around with the crew. Nice enough,...